Hey… it’s Anna.
And lately I’ve been thinking about something.
I genuinely do not remember the last time my body felt fully rested.
Not “I slept for a few hours” rested.
I mean:
- wake up refreshed
- body feels light
- mind feels calm
That kind of rested.
At this point my body wakes up already annoyed.
Like it checked the schedule before I did and said:
- “Absolutely not.”
Mornings and I are in a toxic relationship
Every morning starts the same.
Alarm goes off at 3am.
And for a few seconds I just lay there staring into the darkness questioning every decision that led me to this exact moment.
Then my joints slowly start introducing themselves.
My knees:
- “Good morning. We’re stiff.”
My shoulders:
- “Don’t reach too fast.”
My hands:
- “We’ll decide later if gripping things is happening today.”
And my back?
Honestly my back wakes up angry for no reason at all.
Getting out of bed is a full process now
Nobody tells you how exhausting it is when basic movements become strategy.
I don’t just “get up” anymore.
No.
First I sit there for a second.
Then I stretch carefully.
Then I mentally prepare my knees for standing like I’m negotiating with tiny dramatic coworkers.
And if it’s cold outside?
Whew.
My joints act personally offended by cold weather.
Even showering feels like effort some days
Not always.
But enough days.
Especially when my shoulders are acting up.
Holding my arms up too long washing my hair suddenly feels like upper body training I never signed up for.
And let’s not even discuss bending.
My knees immediately file complaints.
The warm water helps though.
That’s my little peaceful moment before the chaos starts.
For about ten minutes I almost feel normal.
Then reality taps me on the shoulder like:
- “Cute. Anyway…”
Work is work… until your body starts clocking out before you do
My job is physical.
Very physical.
A lot of:
- lifting
- sweeping
- mopping
- dragging heavy trash bags
- stairs from the depths of hell
And listen…
Some days I genuinely wonder who designed this building.
Because why are there always stairs exactly where you don’t need stairs?
And why does garbage somehow weigh more at 5am?
Questions nobody can answer.
The funny thing is…
I actually try to laugh through a lot of it.
Because if I don’t laugh?
I might cry in the supply closet.
And honestly I don’t have time for emotional breakdowns between bathroom cleaning and trash runs.
But the mental exhaustion is the sneaky part
That’s the part people don’t really see.
Chronic pain doesn’t just sit in your joints.
It sits in your mind too.
It makes everything feel heavier.
Even happy things sometimes feel exhausting because your body is constantly trying to survive discomfort.
And surviving is tiring.
Some days I feel guilty for being tired
Which makes no sense because my body is clearly going through things.
But still…
I’ll catch myself thinking:
- “Why can’t you just push harder?”
Meanwhile I’m already pushing way past what feels comfortable most days.
It’s strange how we become so hard on ourselves.
Survival mode becomes your normal
I think that’s the scariest part.
You get so used to functioning in survival mode that you stop realizing how exhausted you actually are.
You just:
- wake up
- work
- survive
- repeat
And eventually your body starts whispering:
- “Hey… we can’t keep doing this forever.”
That’s partly why I started this blog
Because I needed somewhere honest.
Not performative positivity.
Not fake motivation.
Just honesty.
The kind where somebody can read my words and say:
- “Oh my God… me too.”
Because there’s comfort in being understood.
Little things are keeping me going lately
Not huge things.
Tiny things.
Like:
- heating pads
- good food
- true crime podcasts
- sea lions being chaotic at Pier 39
- clean sheets
- garlic bread
- Potato chips
- quiet moments after work
Honestly garlic bread and potato chips deserve more respect in this world.
And yes… I still dream about changing my life
Even while feeling stuck sometimes.
I still think about:
- different work
- less physical strain
- more peace
- slower mornings
- a softer life overall
Because I know I can’t keep running my body into the ground forever.
Something has to change eventually.
And I’m trying.
Even when progress feels slow.
I think rest is deeper than sleep sometimes
Because you can sleep and still feel exhausted.
Real rest is:
- feeling safe
- feeling calm
- not constantly worrying
- not carrying the weight of everything all the time
And honestly?
I think a lot of us are missing that kind of rest.
So if you’ve been feeling tired too…
I see you.
Especially the people quietly carrying:
- pain
- stress
- financial pressure
- grief
- loneliness
- responsibilities
while still pretending everything is fine.
That kind of tired runs deep.
From someone exhausted but still hopeful
I don’t know exactly what the future looks like right now.
But I do know this:
I don’t want survival mode to be my forever.
I want:
- peace
- healing
- softness
- joy that doesn’t feel temporary
And maybe that starts with admitting:
- “Yeah… I’m tired.”
Not weak.
Not lazy.
Just tired.
And honestly?
There’s a difference.
Alright lovelies…
I’m going to go sit down somewhere and let my joints argue amongst themselves in peace
Until next time 💋
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