Hey… it’s Anna.
And honestly?
I’ve been tired.
Not regular tired.
Not “I need a nap” tired.
I mean exhausted in that deep way where your body feels heavy and your mind feels even heavier.
The last three days I’ve had to literally drag myself out of bed.
And I think part of it might be the medication they gave me to help with the excessive bleeding because whew… something has been kicking my behind lately.
My body feels:
- stiff
- achy
- sore
- slow
Like every movement takes extra effort.
And when your body already struggles on a normal day?
Extra exhaustion feels personal.
My birthday is coming up… and I feel sad
I’ll be 40 in a month.
Actually… two days shy of a month.
And instead of feeling excited?
I just feel sad.
Lonely too.
Because this will be my third birthday away from:
- my mom
- my dad
- my sister
- and my person
You know that one friend every introvert has?
The one who forces you out the house because left to your own devices you’d happily become furniture?
Yeah.
I miss her.
A lot.
Work felt heavier today
I felt sad during my shift this morning.
Not because work was especially terrible.
Just because my mind was heavy.
And when your mind is heavy, everything feels heavier.
The trash feels heavier.
Your body feels heavier.
Even the silence feels heavier.
I’ve been stuck in my thoughts lately
I keep thinking:
- “I did everything right.”
I went to college for four years.
I got my bachelor’s degree.
I had dreams.
Real dreams.
I wanted to become a pathologist.
And honestly?
I could picture that life so clearly at one point.
Then life happened
There were financial problems.
And then I lost my nanna.
And that loss?
That changed something in me.
I was very close to her.
Losing her felt like losing part of myself too.
And I don’t think I ever fully recovered from that.
It’s hard to explain
But after she passed…
It felt like something inside me just shut down.
Not immediately.
Slowly.
Quietly.
Like my motivation left with her.
My hope too.
And then I just… stopped believing in myself
I look back now and sometimes it feels like I sabotaged my own life.
Not in some dramatic movie way.
More like:
- giving up too early
- settling
- staying stuck
- losing momentum
And the hardest part?
I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
Sometimes my life feels like a dark cloud
That’s honestly the best way I can describe it lately.
Like this heavy cloud just follows me around.
And some days I sit in it longer than I should.
But here’s the thing…
Even under this dark cloud…
I’m trying to change the forecast.
That’s the best way I can put it.
I’m trying.
Even if I don’t always feel hopeful.
Even if I’m scared.
Even if I feel stuck.
I’m still trying to change my circumstances.
Because I don’t want this to be my forever
I don’t want:
- constant survival mode
- physical pain
- emotional exhaustion
- feeling trapped
I want better for myself.
I really do.
And I’m hoping the changes I’m trying to make actually work out.
Because I need something to shift.
So I’m humbly asking…
If you’re someone who reads my posts and feels connected to them…
If you’ve ever thought:
- “I understand exactly what she means”
Then I’m humbly asking for:
- support
- prayers
- good vibes
- kindness
Whatever you can give.
Because right now I’m trying to hold onto hope while rebuilding parts of myself I lost a long time ago.
And if you’re struggling too…
I see you.
I really do.
Because I am you in a lot of ways.
Different stories maybe.
Different struggles maybe.
But still struggling.
Still trying.
Still carrying things quietly.
From someone trying not to give up
Life feels heavy right now.
That’s the truth.
But I also know something else:
We cannot stop fighting for ourselves.
Even when we’re tired.
Even when we feel behind.
Even when life didn’t turn out how we imagined.
We still deserve:
- peace
- happiness
- another chance
- a softer life
So let’s not give up.
Not yet.
Alright lovelies…
I’m going to rest this stiff little body and try to quiet my mind for the night.
Until next time
Or
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