Some Days My Body Just Says “Absolutely Not”

Hey… it’s Anna.

Today wasn’t terrible at work.

Which honestly feels strange to say lately.

Nothing too crazy happened.

The garbage wasn’t outrageous.

Nobody boiled over pasta in a pot made for one boiled egg.

So overall?

A decent shift.

But my body?

My body had other opinions.

 

Today was what I call a “bad body day”

You know those days where nothing dramatic happens but everything still hurts?

Yeah.

That was today.

My shoulders hurt pretty bad.

My knees are acting up.

My back feels stiff.

And my whole body just feels… heavy.

Not sleepy heavy.

More like:

“Everything feels harder than it should.”

Those are honestly some of the hardest days because technically you’re functioning… but your body is complaining the entire time.

 

I’ve also been anxious all day

Tomorrow is my appointment.

And I’ve been thinking about it nonstop.

Not in a dramatic panic kind of way.

More like a quiet nervousness sitting in the background all day.

Because I just want things to go well.

I want good news.

I want answers.

Most importantly?

I want relief.

 

Because I am tired of this bleeding

Like genuinely tired.

Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.

I feel like I’ve been planning my entire life around my cycle for years.

Everything becomes:

• timing
• preparation
• anxiety
• “what if today is bad?”

And honestly?

I’m over it.

I need a light at the end of the tunnel because right now it feels like this constant thing hanging over my life.

 

I also made a major life decision

And whew…

That’s been sitting on my mind too.

I made a commitment toward a major life change.

A leap of faith kind of decision.

And while part of me feels hopeful…

Another part of me is definitely stressed about the financial side.

Because changing your life sounds inspiring until bills start staring at you aggressively.

 

But I also know something has to change

I can’t keep feeling stuck.

I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I stayed in survival mode too long because I was scared to move.

And honestly?

My current situation isn’t working for me anymore.

Not mentally.

Not physically.

 

Especially this job

I’ve said it before, but the physicality of my job is becoming harder and harder on my body.

The nerve pains in my shoulder joints.

The arthritis-related pain in both my knees.

The numbness and electric shock feeling in my hands.

The stiffness in my back.

It all adds up.

Some days I’m gripping a broom wondering:

• “How much longer can my body realistically keep doing this?”

And that’s a hard thought to sit with.

 

I’ve also been really homesick lately

Like deeply homesick.

I miss home.

I miss Jamaica.

I miss:

• hearing familiar accents
• people greeting you properly
• warmth
• community
• feeling seen

Life here feels so different.

Everything is faster. Colder. More disconnected.

 

And surgery makes the loneliness hit harder

I think because surgery is becoming real now…

I’m feeling the distance from my family more than usual.

I wish my immediate family was here.

Especially my mom.

There’s something about going through medical stuff that makes you want your people close.

And knowing I’ll have to navigate a lot of this alone?

Yeah… that feels heavy.

 

Sometimes I wish I had “my person”

You know?

Someone to go through life with.

Someone to split the hard moments with.

Because honestly?

Being single isn’t always easy.

And being alone in a country that’s foreign to you?

That can feel really isolating.

 

The world feels different now too

Maybe it’s just me noticing it more lately…

But nobody really talks anymore.

Everybody has:

• headphones in
• eyes on their phones
• somewhere to rush to

Nobody makes eye contact.

Nobody seems interested in conversation anymore.

And as an introvert, trust me, I understand enjoying quiet.

But still…

Human connection feels rare these days.

 

Small bright side though

I’m off tomorrow.

Thank God.

And honestly?

I need the break.

 

My only plan tomorrow

My appointment is at 1:50pm.

That’s it.

That’s the agenda.

And after that?

Probably resting. Overthinking a little. Then trying not to overthink.

 

From someone trying to stay hopeful

Right now I feel:

• anxious
• hopeful
• tired
• homesick
• uncertain

A little bit of everything.

But underneath all that…

I still believe things can get better.

Maybe not overnight.

But eventually.

And honestly? That hope is what’s carrying me right now.

 

Alright lovelies…

I’m going to try to relax my stiff little body and get some rest.

And I’ll keep you all posted after my appointment.

Until next time…